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Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

old man sleepingin bed

Even while asleep this caregiver gets comfort from her husband with Alzheimers; sleeping in the house.

I sometimes feel a bit isolated when the caregivers leave, but not for long.  Ken is in bed and usually asleep as the evening stretches before me.  Yes, cabin bound, but I don’t feel I’m alone in the house.  I’m not.  My husband is sleeping in the next room.  I can sit with him and read or I can talk to him if he’s awake.  Awake or asleep he doesn’t make much sense, but that’s all right.  If something entertaining is on the tube, I can sit next to his bed and watch TV, holding his hand while he sleeps – or not.

Alzheimer’s makes life such a dichotomy: at times I state that he is gone and other times when we are alone he is with me.  At night, his very presence gives me a semblance of companionship – the same feelings I had years ago when his day had been long and hard, and sleep beckoned earlier for him than usual.  He was at home although he was asleep.  If someone called I would simply ask if it was important because Ken had a rough day and had gone to bed early. I suppose that’s the feeling I have now at night:  my husband is here, but he went to sleep early.

It’s with that feeling I go about my evening – even laughing at myself for the lack of logic in some of my actions.  Ken’s caregiver, Ben, is very good to me and very considerate.  Waste Management comes to our neighborhood on Wednesdays to collect the contents of our various waste containers so Ben puts the cans out on the street before he leaves each Tuesday evening.  He also makes sure the cans from the house have been emptied as well. However, there are times when a forgotten waste basket filled with paper needs to be added to the recycle can.  I think nothing of taking the trash out to the street before I go to bed – even at midnight.  I have no fear of leaving the door open and dumping my small amount of paper into the recycle bin for pick up the next day because my husband is in the house.  If I lived totally alone, even though I am comfortable in my neighborhood, I wouldn’t empty the basket until daylight.  How rational is that?  Am I safer because he is here?  In his condition, certainly not, but because my husband is here,  I feel safe.  I know my reasoning defies logic, but feeling safe and feeling that I’m not alone is not only a comfort, but a battle fought and won, and it’s a blessing to have someone with me in the house, even if that someone could do nothing if a bad guy jumped out from behind a bush.

Bob DeMarco in his Alzheimer’s Reading Room blog often talks about AD victims still being here, and physically DeMarco, of course, is right and in some cases an AD victim’s cognitive awareness is in and out.  In reading about his experiences with his mother, Dotty, I realize that where she is with her AD is not where Ken is with his AD. During his awake time when daylight fills the room he is seldom the Ken I have been married to for more than a half century.  And when I look into his hazel-green eyes and see no response or recognition, and I’m sure others will agree, that’s when I have that feeling he is not here – he is gone.  But other times, and during those long night hours, as lacking in logic as it is, he is here with me — but we mustn’t disturb him because my husband is sleeping. And his presence fills my home and my heart.

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