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Posts Tagged ‘rain’

Lightening Flashes Over the East Bay Hills

It’s unusual to have thunder roll over the East Bay hills from across the choppy waters of San Francisco’s bay, but it did the other night, and when the lightning flashed did Ken notice his darkened room glow for a brief moment? Did he hear the soft rumble as the storm moved on? Did he wonder what it was? Was he frightened? Lost in his dungeon of disease does he understand rain, or is it just wet? Are the elements nothing to him? He knows cold and seeks out warmth from the furnace to escape from the discomfort of feeling cold, but cold and warmth make no noise, and rain is only a whisper.

Ken doesn’t like loud noises. If I make too much clatter with pots and pans while cooking, he calls out asking, “What’s going on?” What’s all that noise? A door slamming, the shattering of a breaking dish causes him instant anger. I’ve wondered if it’s the suddenness that startles him. Perhaps it’s his inability to identify the noise that causes him grief, and thunder coming from nowhere might add another dimension of mystery to his already confused mind.

When he was well Ken would wake me — if the thunder didn’t. “Listen to that,” he would whisper, nudging me until I acknowledged him. “That’s thunder! Did you hear the thunder?” “I do now,” I replied, eyes wide open. The window shades were up in the bedroom so we could just lie there in the comfort of our pillows and blankets watching the sky flash and hear the thunder clap. Listening to the rain on the roof we knew the storm was passing as the sounds diminished and sleep retuned.

Perhaps, it was because we don’t live in mountain country that we have always found the occasional production of electricity by Mother Nature in our geographical area to be so incredibly fascinating, but we did.

Remembering one year when we took our boys backpacking in the Wasatch Mountains of Utah, we noticed the quickly gathering clouds and decided it was time to pitch our tents because rain was inevitable. Good thing they were the fast, pop-up tents as we barely got inside with our gear before the downpour began. It was late afternoon so we didn’t always see the lightning, but the thunder was the kind where you wanted to pull your head in, zip up the sleeping bag and repent for surely the wrath of God was at hand. Great deep rumblings and cracking sounds filled the forests around us and the grassy meadow bowed before the driving rain — and then it was over. Summer mountain storms are like that; quickly gathered, quickly gone.

Captivated, we all watched the grand finale through the flaps of our tents, our boys just a stone’s throw away. Wind pushed away the clouds allowing light to fall against the last rain showers and flood the meadow with sunshine so brilliant we squinted to see a rainbow arching across the dazzling-blue sky. Our show continued as billowing clouds edged in gray circled the horizon – a canvas yet to be painted. Director Sun was not finished, but had to move quickly – his light was fading. With a wizard’s brush and pallet he continued splashing shades of pastels against the patchwork vapors of white: orange, yellow, apricot, pink, blue and lavender – hues and tints constantly changing, dimming as the day ebbed and dusk settled ending nature’s remarkable display of talent. The tent critics’ review: Bravo! Outstanding! Extraordinary! Stunning! Magnificent!

Life with Ken has always been an adventure. Even now as we sally forth into the fog of AD, it is still an adventure – not one either of us would have chosen, much less sally forth into – but nonetheless an adventure. If he had reason, if he had knowledge – a memory – we could have shared the recent rain storm and thunder – a privilege not granted. However, in the future when I hear its distant growl, and the rain begins to fall I will be glad, being more grateful, for the good times we have enjoyed.

Someday — somewhere — in our eternal journey, we will meet again, and he can tell me how much he has missed the rain, the lightning, the thunder, and me. And then we will once again sally forth — happily — into our life-after-life adventure.

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My friend, Kenny, (not to be confused with my son Kenney nor my husband, Ken) loves winter and everything about it: the cold outside and the warmth inside, the threatening storm clouds filled with buckets of rain, and a blustery north wind eventually pushing him home for a cup of steaming hot chocolate, but most of all he loves Christmas and all that it represents.  And one of his favorite Christmas songs is “Silver Bells.”  No doubt written long before he was born, he hums the melody and chants the words reminding me of another time and place when Ken and I were young and living in the “City.”  The city for us being San Francisco.

We lived in a one-bedroom flat just north of Twin Peaks and three long blocks up the hill from Market Street.   Then it was down the hill to Market Street where we would catch any street car taking us downtown to shop.  Unlike my friend, Kenny, I never did memorize all  of the words to “Silver Bells,” but bits and pieces spring to mind when I think of me and Ken shopping for our first Christmas in the city.  Let’s see, what were some of the words?  “City sidewalks, busy sidewalks dressed in Holiday style……….”   Then it spoke of “children laughing, people smiling….,”   and somewhere it told of shoppers hurrying home with their treasures —  and the bells —  “Ring-a-ling, hear them sing….soon it will be Christmas Day….”  It is such a joyful song and the lyrics tell it just the way it was — and possibly still is — somewhere.   

I remember the two of us being part of the happy crowds along Market Street, dodging raindrops as we wandered from one department store to another until we reached the Emporium which was our favorite.  The windows were a panorama of Christmas, mostly winter scenes with colorful lights and delightfully animated.  Everywhere you could see the Salvation Army bell-ringers next to a donation kettle and when you listened you could hear “Ring-a-ling.”   Whether the writers of the song were thinking of the donation kettles we never knew, but it didn’t — and doesn’t — matter.  That’s who we always thought of when we heard the song — and to this day it’s their image — the bell-ringers for the Salvation Army that enters my mind when I hear “Silver Bells.”

A week and a half before Christmas when Ken and I walked through the neighborhood to see the lights and he remembered he hadn’t done any Christmas shopping, I promised him we would go the following week.  Of course, he didn’t remember his remark, but we went shopping anyway.  My list had a few empty spots so we drove to the Mall three nights in a row; short trips so Ken didn’t get too tired.  

I like the Malls.  They are warm and dry and convenient, but this year, somehow, I missed getting wet and I’m not sure if I noticed as many smiling faces and laughing children, but most of all I missed the bells.  In front of the Post Office, there was a bell-ringer and a donation kettle, but I don’t believe I saw any others.  I doubt that San Francisco’s Market Street would be any different.  The Emporium has long since been absorbed by Macy’s, its glory days gone, the display windows dark  and forgotten.  I miss that almost innocent, joyful spirit  from long ago — you know — the way you feel when you watch “It’s a Wonderful Life,”  and I wonder if the bell-ringers and the donation kettles are as few and far between in San Francisco as they were here.    Not having them  …….”on every street corner”…… with their silver bells somehow diminishes the celebration of the Season and sharing our abundance.  

The year 2009 is now a Christmas past.  The hustle-bustle is over and so is the cherished music of the season.  I doubt we’ll be hearing “Silver Bells” any time soon and the donation kettle in front of the post office is gone.   

Our Christmas with family went very well and Ken was fine.  However, his AD has advanced considerably since last Christmas.  Opening gifts was meaningless to him even though I coached him through the procedure.  Our daughter-in-law, Sabina, and our granddaughter, Jessica, baked him some cookies.  He was impressed with that gift.  “These are mine,” he proclaimed.  I thought to myself, “A bit of enthusiasm, how nice.”  While each passing year comes with a little more melancholy, I still acknowledge that I have much for which to be grateful, and I periodically pause to express my thanks to the All Mighty.   

Tomorrow, though, I think I’ll go to the Mall and pick up some silver bells at one of the big “After Christmas Holiday Decoration Sales,” but, I won’t be packing them away.  Instead, I’ll keep them close by and ring them joyfully to remind me to keep counting my blessings and that in spite of AD, life is good.

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 When Ken and I first married, television was brand new with a lot of wrestling and a small handful of almost good variety shows.   That was about it for TV, with radio still being the major source of home entertainment for most people.  Gravitating to the living room after dinner, I recall our family members easing into his or her own comfortable spot, settling in and relaxing while tuning in our favorite programs.  With great fondness I remember my father’s chair next to the radio so he could push the buttons of the big Philco console.  My mother always had some sort of hand work to do (such as darning my father’s socks) while we all listened to an array of wonderful shows:  Lux Radio Theater, I love A Mystery, Bob Hope, Jack Benny or Fibber McGee and Molly.   Who needed to see a screen to follow the plot when our brains created the scenery, did the makeup, the costumes and even the set, placing the entire production on the never-ending stage of our individual minds. 

Moving into our first apartment where Ken spent most of the evenings studying formulas and math for his engineering classes, there were a few radio programs we both enjoyed, thereby allowing him to pull away from his books for a half hour or so.   One of our favorites was about problem solving.  Not the cute family drama-sit coms of today, but stories of life struggles; accounts of ordinary people.  The component used for their problem solving was their own personal discovery of the power of prayer.  Try though I may, the program’s name is long forgotten, but not their sign-off line which I have remembered all of these years:  “More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams.”  I believe that with all my heart.

At times, I have noticed while watching Oprah a guest will say something like, “And then I prayed.”  Oprah will counter the statement with, “Why was your prayer answered and the prayers of others who are equally deserving not answered?”  Good question.  Garth Brooks had a song out several years back titled, “Sometimes I Thank God For Unanswered Prayers.”  So what does that mean?  For me it means that prayers are answered, but often we don’t like the answer we get, at least not at the time, as illustrated in Garth’s song.   It’s later that we understand the Father’s wisdom.  And sometimes our Father just says, “No,” and how often He answers in the negative because the die is already cast.  Our ways are not His ways, nor is our understanding His understanding.

I am a person of faith, but if I tallied up my life time of prayers I would be remiss in constant prayer.  Perhaps I would be kinder to myself if I said I was remiss in constant formal prayer.   I doubt I have ever gone through the day without some small needy prayer, quick thank you prayers and  hurried blessings on the food.  When life is bright and sunny it becomes so easy to take everything for granted, forgetting from where all blessings come; and then like others, I find myself turning back to The Father when that same life gets dark and dreary. 

It was a turbulent time when my adolescents passed through their teen years and how often Ken and I angst over their choices which we knew would bring them unmeasured sorrow.   One day, while driving to work, feeling particularly melancholy, an incoming storm poured down rain from the sky as if the Heavens were weeping with me.   I adjusted the wipers so I could better see the road and in so doing, the storm seemed to ease.  “Not really,” I told myself, “the storm is not gone, the windshield wipers are helping you see the way more clearly.”   The thought, “Just like prayer,” popped into my mind.  “Prayer and windshield wipers?”  I pondered aloud.  It seemed almost insulting to Diety to compare communication with Him to a part from an automobile, and yet the two shared that commonality.  Our family was going through one of life’s storms and prayer, like the auto part, while not removing the problem, guided us step by painful step through that particular storm until it had cleared.

When Ken was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s I spent a lot of alone time weeping and praying.  Never did I ask my Heavenly Father to perform some miracle and take away Ken’s AD.  Obviously, this was another of life’s storms we had to bear.   Instead I prayed for courage and strength to see us through this awful thing.   There were, and are, hectic days which pass in a blur with nothing accomplished except caring for him: getting him shaved, showered, dressed and fed.  Days when I walk on egg shells to avoid his outbursts, or giving in to my own anger and frustration, spewing out hurtful remarks and despicable words, which prior to AD would have never crossed my lips; afterward glancing toward Heaven and whispering, “I’m sorry, Father, forgive me.” 

And then there are days when the first line and title of a favorite hymn runs through my mind giving me councel, “Ere You Left Your Room This Morning, Did You Think To Pray?”  So I strive to rekindle the habit and, truly, it helps.  Does it remove the storm?  Of course not.  But on those days when I pray with real intent, having faith in Christ, I am calmer, more patient, more appreciative of those rare moments when he is Ken and he knows me and loves me.  And I pray for him, that he might have some peace in his tortured mind, and I am reminded of the last line of the hymn, “So when life gets dark and dreary, don’t forget to pray.”

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